


Maybe Katie

by N1t3sh4d3



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Black Paladin Keith (Voltron), Blue Paladin Allura (Voltron), F/M, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Hunk & Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Hunk & Lance (Voltron) Friendship, Hunk & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Keith & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pidge is not your therapist, Red Paladin Lance (Voltron), Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-05-27 14:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15026192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N1t3sh4d3/pseuds/N1t3sh4d3
Summary: In the aftermath of Shiro's disappearance and reappearance no one is coping well. The lions refuse to change their Paladins and it only adds to the stress. Forming Voltron almost doesn't happen anymore. Lance is withdrawing from the team and self destructing. Pidge isn't sure if they can salvage the situation before it's too late.





	1. The beginning of the storm

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've had this sitting in my folder for a while. This is heavy on the angst. 
> 
> I'm not totally sure which way I want this to go, so we'll see how happy this ends. 
> 
> I'm also hoping I haven't accidently copied someone else's story. I have read a LOT of Langst, so if I have please understand it was unintentional and PLEASE let me know!!

Pidge noticed something was off with Lance. First it was just a feeling, so she just kept a closer eye on him. Green seemed to agree something was wrong. Her sense of unease grew as she noticed he wasn’t smiling as much and he seemed quieter. Lance’s face became more blank and stoic as time went on. The jokes and flirting had faded. He wasn’t checking up on everyone like he used to.

She did what she could to try to keep him engaged, by dragging him along while she and Hunk worked on a communicator in Green's bay. They had started talking about Earth and how unsure they were of what their families had been told. Should they try to contact them? What would they say? At first, Lance was just as enthusiastic but that slowly waned. Then he stopped coming. He started only joining them for meals. Then that became less frequent. It seemed like he was never around. Coran casually mentioned how much more training Lance was logging. Pidge glanced up sharply at that. She noticed Hunk do the same out of the corner of her eye. Keith only nodded a bit and said, “Good. He needs to focus more on what we are supposed to be doing anyway.”

 

Tensions had been high and frayed since Shiro disappeared. Once they found him and Matt it was like a breath of fresh air. It had the promise of things returning to normal. That was shattered during the next battle. Black wouldn’t accept Shiro, Red refused Keith and Blue ignored Lance. They all felt the pulse of irritation from the lions. The guard had changed, it wouldn’t be that simple to change back. During the fight Lance seemed to be taking dumb risks and it grated on everyone. Keith berated him for it afterwards. Then it hit Pidge. Lance was just taking it. No smartass remarks, no snarky comebacks, just ‘Yes sir, I understand. Won’t happen again’. Pidge just stared. This was NOT the Lance she knew. A quick look at Hunk showed a deeper concern. As Lance left the command center Pidge made a decision and ran after him.

“Hey Lance! Wait up!”

Lance stopped for a moment and allowed her to catch up. He looked at her expectantly.

“I think I have the communicator working. I’m going to program phone numbers into it so we can just phone home”, Pidge paused expecting a laugh but became nervous as Lance just looked at her. She quickly continued, “It’s probably better than trying to use radio waves. Less likely to be picked up and we can have private conversations with our families. I figured you’d want to-“

“Want to what? Say ‘Hi mom! I’m a kabillion miles from home fighting to save the universe! Not sure when I’ll be home.’ How is that any better?”

Pidge blinked at Lance’s explosion. She hadn’t expected that at all and was very confused, “You want them to think you’re dead?”

Lance sighed a bit, but his tone didn’t soften, “It’s better than giving them false hope! Who knows if we’ll be able to reach them or go home. Or if we’ll even survive. We have to face reality. You found Matt be grateful for that! Now quit being such a kid and focus on the mission Katie!” with that he stormed off.

Pidge felt as if he had punched her in the stomach. He had never snapped at her before. His words stung and she felt her eyes start to water. She swiped at them as she heard Hunk’s distinctive footsteps behind her.

“I thought I heard yelling,” Hunk said cautiously.

Pidge turned and sniffed, “Something’s wrong with Lance.”

Hunk’s eyes widened, “That was LANCE?” Pidge seemed to droop at that. Hunk’s face became more thoughtful, “But, yeah, something’s wrong. He barely eats. He won’t talk to me either.”

Pidge’s head shot up and her face hardened as pieces seemed to fall into place. She really didn’t like the picture that was forming. “Come on. We need to talk to the others.”

Keith looked up as Hunk and Pidge came storming back into the control center. Shiro and Allura stopped their conversation at the look on Pidge’s face.

“Something’s wrong with Lance.”


	2. Tough truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pidge gives the rest of the team so tough love.

Confusion greeted the statement.

Pidge stomped her foot in irritation. “When was the last time you saw him smile or crack a joke? Or flirt? He barely talks anymore. He never says our names, unless it’s during battles. It’s just ‘Yes sir.’ ‘No sir.’ ‘Won’t happen again.’ He’s out of sync with Red and it’s getting dangerous! You saw how they were today! They’re cooperating but just barely. It’s like he’s doing it because he’s supposed to.”

While Pidge stopped to catch her breath Hunk jumped in, “He’s hardly eating. I think…I think he’s lost a lot of weight. The armor doesn’t seem to fit right anymore. Coran, how many varga has been logging in the training room this week?”

Coran pulled up the information, his face betraying his uneasiness. Then he froze. He punched a few more buttons and recalculated several more times to be sure.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad guys-“ Keith started

“60 vargas”

Everyone stopped. Shock written all over their faces.

“For how long?” Allura managed to get out as Coran scrolled through the logs.

Pidge spoke up first, “I’d imagine it started after….after the lion change.” Shiro looked guilty. Pidge continued, “I’ll bet it got worse after that disaster of a fight at Kern. And again after Shiro got back.”

Coran hummed in agreement. Keith shrugged, “So he’s finally taking our mission seriously –“

 

“He yelled at Pidge!” Hunk’s sharp retort made the room freeze.

 

Pidge swallowed, steeled herself and met the male paladin’s eyes, “It’s worse than that. He called me Katie.”

 

Color drained from Hunk, Shiro and Keith’s faces.

 

Allura looked confused, “I don’t understand. That’s your name. Why would it be so bad?”

 

Pidge studied the other paladins, gauging her words carefully, “It’s like if we started calling you Princess again. It’s a way to distance yourself. More formal and impersonal. You’re part of the family when you’re just Allura.” Allura nodded and Pidge continued, “Everyone has moments where they feel isolated, either because they have done it purposefully or they just feel that way. Especially, if they feel extremely homesick or like they don’t belong. Since all this Voltron stuff started, the _only_ time someone calling me Katie was positive, was when Shiro and I talked on Arus about Matt. Everyone has had a ‘Katie’ moment with me. But this, this is BAD.” Pidge pretended to ignore the stunned looks the guys shot each other.

Allura seemed to notice the tension thicken, “Everyone?” she asked cautiously.

Pidge just nodded, then sighed in frustration at the stares. “Look, its not that big of a deal. They were low points for everyone. Not really my secrets to tell. But-“, her look became razor sharp as she turned it on each of the male paladins, “that tells you how bad it is and where his mind must be.” Her gaze bored into Keith, “Especially for Lance to snap at me like that.”

Keith crumpled instantly. He scrubbed his face as he seemed to sink further into the command chair, “Damnit.” He looked lost and worn as he looked at Pidge and sighed.

“Keith?” Shiro looked between the two. “What exactly has been going on?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter because this is really hard to break up properly.
> 
> Next up, we find out about one Paladin's "Katie" moment.


	3. Hunk

Hunk shook his head, “We’re all to blame in this. I should have tried to talk to him sooner. Pidge and I kept getting wrapped up in our projects. Keith and Allura have been hard on him. I tried to talk to him, but he kept slipping away. Then he started acting like he didn’t hear me. I KNOW it was hard for him to give up Blue. With you back, I guess we all assumed it would go back to normal. But for him to yell at Pidge and call her Katie, this is extremely bad. I know I was in a really bad place when I had my ‘Katie moment’. I was super homesick and scared after the castle decided to become haunted.”

 

_ Pidge wandered into the kitchen yawning. She had been pouring over data for hours. She must have drifted off without realizing it. Time was still a strange concept here. A glance at the clock told her it was late, or more accurately, very early in the morning. She caught the scent of baking and noticed Hunk sitting at the table, a faraway look on his face as he toyed with what looked like a cookie. He didn’t even react to her presence. Pidge paused and took a deep breath. _

_ “Smells good in here! Is that a cookie? Can I have one?” _

_ Hunk jolted a bit and gave her a weak smile, “Oh, hey Pidge. Yeah, if you want. I was trying a new recipe. It’s…. it’s not quite right.” His voice faded as he swallowed hard, eyes getting watery. _

_ “Hey, you ok?” Pidge gently put a hand on his arm. Hunk shook his head and curled into himself. Pidge took a cookie and inspected it closely before taking a bite. It wasn’t as bad as some attempts, but it definitely didn’t taste like any cookie she knew. She kept her face neutral and glanced up at Hunk’s wet laugh.  _

_ “It’s terrible. I know it is. I’m not sure why I keep trying. I’m just so homesick. I don’t want to do this anymore. I mean, I know we have to. I know how important this is. Everything is so alien. And always trying to kill us. Even the goo,” Hunk sobbed a little, “I just wanted something to feel like home. To feel safe. I don’t think I can do this anymore, Katie.” _

_ Pidge’s eyes widened at that. This was the first time anyone of the team, aside from Shiro, had called her that. She took in Hunk’s broken sobs and stamped down on the feeling of dread. She studied the cookie carefully.  _

_ “It’s not that bad.” Pidge bumped her shoulder into his and grinned at his flat look. “Ok, it needs work. Look, I was sorting through some data and I realized I found a lot from Earth. Blue seems to have picked up a bunch of stuff in the background while she was there, especially after wifi became so widespread. I’ve been sorting through it trying to figure out what’s junk and what we can use. I was going to upload the important stuff, like medicine compounds, media and history into the computer. I may have also come across chemistry and cook books.”  _

_ She grinned impishly as Hunk perked up. A look of excitement spread across his face, “If we input all the chemical compounds of ingredients we use we can add that to the scans we do! We could find things that work as substitute ingredients,” Hunk’s shoulders slumped as his face fell, “it won’t be the same though.” _

_ “You’re right. It’ll be different. Everything is different now. I mean, if you hadn’t been along I’d still be fighting rouge food goo in zero G with a mutant crystal. Coran wouldn’t have been able to get the crystal from the Balmera. I know he wouldn’t have been able to carry that alone or fix the pod as fast. Even more importantly, we wouldn’t have been able to save Shiro from the Garrison. You helped keep us balanced and helped Keith steer the speeder. I’d really miss you. Who else would geek out about all this cool tech with me? You understand me. Coran would just lecture me and miss all the references. You’re like another brother to me. All of you are. We’re a team now.” Pidge looked up nervously. Hunk was smiling a bit. Pidge opened her arms for a hug. He swept her up into a solid one and felt steadier. She smiled a little, “Besides, you’re a leg.” _

_ “Very true,” he laughed.  _

_ Pidge looked serious, “So no more talk of leaving. We couldn’t do it without you.” She looked at him slyly, “Especially since I wouldn’t know how to create this awesome recipe for hot cocoa. Good thing we have a cow.” _

_ Hunk’s eyes widened in delight as he ruffled her hair, “Thanks Pidge.” _

 

The silence in the command room was deafening. Pidge cleared her throat, “That was the second time.” Shiro and Keith looked like someone had stolen their puppy. 

Hunk shifted a little, but kept his gaze fixed on them. He took a breath, “I didn’t realize what a bad place I was in at the time. We were able to work out a few dishes and it became challenging instead of discouraging. If I felt like that….” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Paladin's story next.


	4. Shiro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit longer. Also mind the PTSD tag.

Shiro looked slightly uncomfortable, “I think my time was worse.” Everyone’s eyes darted to him.

 

_ Pidge couldn’t sleep. There was too much in her head. The image of Rover shutting down and Haxus falling with Rover. The feel of Sendak’s hand wrapped around her head. The memory of Lance looking so still and pale. She had been wandering the castle for a while. She found herself where they had been holding Sendak. Pidge stopped as she heard muttering. Slipping closer quietly, she saw Shiro sitting in front of the empty chamber with his back to it, legs drawn up and a faraway look in his eyes. _

_ “Shiro?” Pidge edged closer. “Shiro?” she repeated after he blinked lazily at her. She knelt in front of him keeping eye contact. _

_ “Matt? Oh god, Matt! I’m so sorry I didn’t mean-“ _

_ “Shhhh. It’s okay. Do you know where you are?” _

_ Shiro looked around faintly, “Holding room? Are we at the Garrison? Wait…” he focused on her a bit more, “Katie? What are you doing here? Haven’t we left for the mission?” _

_ Pidge swallowed. This was worse that she thought, and it was going to be harder to bring him back. She debated leaving to get Keith but decided it’s better to stay with Shiro. She’s really not the best person to try this but she’s afraid of what might happen if he’s left alone. She tries again, “Shiro, listen to me. Do you know who you are?” _

_ “That’s a stupid question Katie. I’ve known you for months.” _

_ Pidge smiled slightly, “Okay. So, what’s the last thing you remember?” _

_ Shiro froze as emotions flashed across his face, almost too fast to see. Then he started to shake. Pidge put her hands gently on his arms.  _

_ “Shiro!” _

_ Shiro’s eyes flashed to hers and locked on. _

_ “Do you know who I am and where you are?” _

_ “Katie Holt,” he answered immediately, “We’re….” he looked around again, face clouding in confusion. _

_ “Do you know who you are?” she tried another tactic. _

_ “Shirogane Takashi.” _

_ “Shiro, we’re in the Castle of Lions. There was an attack earlier. Lace got hurt. We’re fighting the Galra with Voltron.” Pidge tried to keep her voice even but she’s starting to worry. What if she can’t jar his memory? _

_ “Castle? Lance? Voltron?” Shiro still sounded far away. “Galra….” he suddenly tensed hard, “The Arena..I can’t-“ _

_ “No! You’re safe!”  _ _ Damnit! Why didn’t she get Keith or Coran? Shiro is starting to panic and she’s not far behind. She tries to force her panic down knowing it won’t help either of them. She keeps her voice calm, “You’re in the Castle of Lions. You’re safe. Breathe with me. In five….hold four….out five….in five…hold four….out five.” She does this a few more times then inspiration strikes, and she tries again. “Shiro.” He’s still tense as he looks at her. “You’re the Black Paladin of Voltron. You’re in the Castle of Lions. Close your eyes and reach out a bit. Can you feel the connection to Black?” He looked at her oddly but does as she asked. Pidge hoped this would help. She could feel Green starting to get concerned and knew it was only a matter of time before the others showed up. With Shiro in this state, it was probably a bad idea. Shiro’s face smoothed out after a moment and she felt Green relax. “Shiro?” _

_ He opened his eyes and looked at her again. He’s more alert but still out of it. _

_ “Shiro, do you know where you are?” _

_ “Castle of Lions. We’re in the holding room?” suddenly he jerked up and spun around. _

_ “Easy there. You jettisoned Sendak out into space a few hours ago.” _

_ Shiro sagged in relief then tensed again, “Katie! I’m so sorry! All that information-“ _

_ Pidge held up her hand and shook her head, “Wasn’t worth it. I’m not sure we would have gotten anything. Even if we did, I wouldn’t have believed it. I didn’t trust him.” _

_ “But Matt-“ _

_ “We’ll find them.” _

_ Shiro slumped down, “I can’t do this. I fade out too easily. You guys deserve someone you can count on. If this had been a fight-“ _

_ “We would have been fine. We’re starting to work well together and learning how to cover each other. We need you. You’re our leader. Besides, could you imagine the chaos if Lance was our leader? Or Hunk?” _

_ Shiro snorted a bit and froze, “LANCE!” _

_ “He’s fine. He was talking to you earlier. He’s out of the cryopod and feeling better. Are you back with me?” _

_ Shiro nodded a bit, “I still don’t think I should do this, Katie. I’m not qualified. I failed you. I couldn’t keep Matt or Commander Holt safe. Lance almost died-“ _

_ “Lance was protecting Coran. At least he was in his armor. The Galra would have tried to get us even without you being here. As for Matt and Dad, you did your best. Matt would have died in that arena. You’re the reason I can even hope they’re alive.” Pidge smirked at him, “Besides, you’re the adult.” _

_ Shiro’s lips quirked, “I think Coran is more qualified for that roll. He’s an adultier adult.” _

_ Pidge shuddered, “I will never forgive you if you let Coran be in charge. I doubt he’d take it though. Black definitely wouldn’t allow it.” She looked thoughtful. _

_ Shiro smiled a bit, “The lions seem pretty possessive, don’t they?” _

_ “Yeah,” she mumbled distractedly. Green purred in the background of their connection. Pidge noticed Shiro scrutinizing her, “What is it?” _

_ “I was just wondering; how did you guys find me? I don’t remember much more than getting out of the shuttle and no one listening to me. Then I woke up at Keith’s shack.” _

 

_ Pidge’s thoughtful expression deepened, “That night, I was on the roof scanning alien radio chatter and trying to figure out what Voltron was. Lance and Hunk had followed me up. I didn’t want to hang out with them after our disastrous training session and they saw me sneak out. Lance recognized you first. Then Keith set off some explosions as distraction. We all got to the crash site about the same time. Lance and Keith loaded you onto the speeder and we ran. Hunk kept having to help steer because we were so overloaded and unbalanced.” _

_ Shiro’s brow furrowed, “You, Lance and Hunk were a team?” _

_ Pidge snorted, “A terrible one. Lance crashed the sim. Hunk puked in the gearbox. I….um…I unstrapped and fell out of my seat. Lance took the blame when Iverson went off on us after the sim too. Actually, Lance was the one who knew everyone.” Shiro looked surprised. “He and Hunk had been roommates since the beginning. I was part of the simulator crew with them. Lance really looked up to you. He knew Keith well enough to consider him a ‘rival’. Iverson was always telling Lance the only reason he was a fighter pilot was because Keith washed out. It wasn’t very fair. Keith has some cool instincts and talent, but Lance wouldn’t have made it that far if he was an idiot. I looked it up one time and he was the top of his class for cargo pilot. I know we tease him, but he’s got some awesome tactical and technical skills in flying.” _

_ Shiro frowned for a moment, “Sounds like Iverson. He’s an ass. I’ll have to keep an eye on that though. If Iverson was putting Lance down that often it probably had an effect.” Shiro looked thoughtful, “I think you’re right though. Keith and I know each other but I didn’t recognize you or know you were at the Garrison. I’d never met Lance or Hunk before. Keith didn’t seem to know any of you. As far as I know you and Keith hadn’t met before either.” _

_ Pidge nodded, “I had heard about him from Matt but we never met. That’s something that’s been bothering me. Keith felt the energy out in the desert, but it didn’t respond to him. Once Lance went in it seemed to trigger everything. When we found Blue, suddenly we all saw the Lions and Voltron. That’s always bugged me. I mean I can sense Green, but not the other lions unless we’re in them or Voltron. Did Blue pick us for the others? Or did she just establish a base connection for all of us? How did Allura know all of our names and base personalities so soon after meeting us? I haven’t seen her do that again. Did Blue tell her? Was it based on Lance’s perceptions of us? Did Blue see us that way herself?” _

_ Shiro looked thoughtful, “I think Blue was feeling us out for the others. I think once we met Allura they had decided and told her who to assign. It might be a good idea to ask her more about it. Black is very particular. I doubt she would take just anyone.” _

_ Pidge smiled, “So are you back with me all the way? No plans on mysteriously vanishing? Or silly ideas you can’t do this? We’re here for you and we’ll help you through everything.” _

_ Shiro looked a bit stunned then smiled, “Thanks Pidge.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Paladin up next.


	5. Keith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mind the anxiety attack tag

The silence was even more deafening after Shiro’s story. Everyone looked stunned.

“You had an episode that bad and never said anything?” Keith sounded betrayed.

“I think it was everything that happened finally catching up. One minute I was running away from the Galra, the next I was in the Blue Lion racing who knows where with a bunch of cadets. I had to be in charge and we were expected to make a giant robot to save the universe while being open with each other. It wasn’t an easy thing to wrap my mind around, especially with dangerous memory gaps. Seeing Sendak, so soon after the Gladiator Robeast, was just too much. I think I just shut down.”

Keith nodded and slumped further down in his seat, face pale. Shiro finally asked, “What happened on Kern?”

Keith spoke quietly, “It was supposed to be a fast hit and run. Just enough to disrupt things. Lance...Lance wouldn’t shut up. Things started getting hairy and he kept goofing off. I snapped at him pretty bad. He quieted down, but we were all really out of sync after. He weaved to dodge an attack and Allura got hit badly instead. I went off even worse when we got back. It…it was all my fault. I should have seen the signs of a trap. Everyone else kept saying it was too easy. But when Lance tried to talk to me, I just shut him down. Hard. I was terrible. He seemed fine after. I didn’t think….”

Allura spoke up quietly as well looking miserable, “I knew it was hard for him to let Blue go but he kept pestering me about things. I, unfortunately, did snap at him as well. I told him to worry more about Red. I think that was the last time we really talked.”

 

Keith continued, “I know once you got back, Shiro, we all expected to be able to go back to how it was before. When Red rejected me, it hurt. I should have realized how bad it would have been for Lance.” Keith seemed defeated. He fixed Pidge with a guilty look, “How bad did he yell at you?”

Pidge looked at him flatly, “He told me to ‘quit clowning around like such a kid and focus on the mission!’ Sounds vaguely familiar doesn’t it?”

Keith cringed at the venom in her voice. He risked a quick glance at the others. Allura looked abashed. Hunk had his arms folded across his chest, looking furious. Shiro just gaped at them.

“What did you say to Lance?” Shiro demanded.

Keith curled into himself more. Pidge sighed, “It wasn’t to him.” Keith looked betrayed, but Pidge just shrugged, “Do you want to tell them, or should I?” Keith buried his hands in his face as a reply. Pidge’s voice took on a gentler tone, “It’s no worse than the others and everyone else has already shared.”

Keith looked at her and steeled himself, studiously avoiding Shiro’s gaze.

 

_Pidge was trying extremely hard not to scream. Things had been so stressful after Shiro vanished. Trying to get back in sync after the lion change had been more of a struggle than anticipated. Allura tried to lead. Keith was still reckless and Lance…..well, Lance was quieter. There were jokes and comments, but they were less frequent. Then there was the disaster at Kern. Keith was so angry. Pidge tried to get Lance to joke later but he brushed her off. Frustrated with what a mess they were, Pidge had retreated to the Green Lion’s hanger. Unfortunately, being that close to Green drove home the fact that they were doing terribly. The connections jangled and grated on her. Even more frustrated she left to find something else to do. She decided that punching some training drones would be best. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn’t see Keith until she crashed into him._

_“Hey! Watch it!”_

_“You watch it!” Pidge snapped, “What the hell is wrong with you lately? We’re getting such mixed signals. Allura’s issuing commands and you’re darting off like you’re in Red! We’re all out of sync! You’re the Black Paladin now, you’re supposed to lead!”_

_Keith bristled and then deflated, “I know, okay! Shiro wanted this for me but I have no idea what to do. Our dynamic is so off, especially with the Lion change. I’m just as frustrated, if not more! I know I should be doing better.”_

_Pidge softened a little, “I know this is hard. Everything has been so nuts, but we can do this. We need to keep going. We’re a team.”_

_“No, not totally. We need to find Shiro.”_

_“What about the Galra? My family? Saving the Universe?”_

_“Damn them all! Shiro should be our priority! I doubt we could form Voltron if we needed to anyway.”_

_“Keith,” Pidge looked horrified, “Shiro wouldn’t want that! Our job is to fight.”_

_“Yeah, well maybe I’m tired of fighting.”_

_“Keith-“_

_“Just drop it!”_

_Sirens sounded and they both ran to the command center._

 

_"Looks like we hit this system at the wrong time,” Lance muttered._

_Keith shot him a dark look, “What have we got?”_

_“Convoy most likely. Looks like a transport. They can’t tell we’re here,” Coran announced._

_“We need to get information. We could go in and I can hack the system.” Pidge looked a little excited._

_Keith nodded, “Let’s get to the Lions. Pidge be ready as soon as we’re close. Lance help keep the fighters away. Allura and Hunk stay back as a diversion.”_

_“I’ve got a small virus that I can upload that will transmit data to us even after we’re gone.”_

_“See what you can find on Shiro too”, Keith added._

_“Of course. I added his description along with my family’s right after he went missing. Hopefully, we’ll get something back quickly.”_

 

_As Pidge flew Green closer to the ship she got a weird feeling. The bonds between them were fraying badly. Trying not to let it distract her, Pidge drifted closer to the ship. She couldn’t seem to get into the system remotely. Knowing they had limited time she decided to climb out and plug in manually. Quickly hiding under the ship, she got as close to it as she could before exiting Green. She pried a plate off and plugged in. She scrolled through the rosters, downloaded everything she could, and uploaded the virus. Abruptly, her notes lit up. Matt had been on the ship during the last flight! She knew where he was headed! Pidge gave a slight whoop and pushed off to head back to Green. Suddenly there was a Galra fighter right in front of her. Seconds later the Blue and Black lions drew it away._

_“Quit clowning around like such a kid and focus on the mission, Katie!” Keith snapped into her comm._

_Pidge froze for a second as Green appeared before her._

_“Dude, lay off! That fighter almost had her. She wasn’t goofing off. She was trying to get back to Green,” Lance’s voice was strained but firm._

_Keith huffed at them, “Get back to the castle now.”_

 

_Pidge climbed into Green’s cockpit and flew silently back. She knew from the argument earlier Keith was not in a good mindset. The fact he thought she was goofing off hurt. Then the realization that a fighter had almost shot her while she was out of Green came crashing down. If Lance and Keith hadn’t shown up, she would have been dead. She started to shudder at the thoughts of what could have happened. She didn’t notice when Green entered the hanger or that the others were trying to get her attention.  It was only when Lance, sitting directly in front of her, started calling her name that she snapped back. She fell onto Lance sobbing. She almost died. Then more voices registered through the comm in the helmet. She took a moment to regroup. She was fine. Lance and Keith had her back. She looked up to see Lance trying to talk to her. She took off her helmet._

_“You okay Pidge?” Lance asked gently, holding her tightly._

_She nodded slightly. She wanted to thank him, but her throat felt tight from the fear._

_“You’re alright. We’ve got you. We wouldn’t let anything happen to you. We need our resident computer genius. I’d probably program everything in gibberish and it would explode,” Lance smiled softly at her._

_For that moment, he was LANCE. The goofy guy that always seemed to know what to say to calm things down. It made her happy to think they may be able to get him back. Pidge smiled back. The moment was abruptly shattered by Keith clearing his throat. She watched in abject horror as Lance closed off, as if he never existed. His eyes became almost dead as the light completely went out. His expression went stoic as he stood up. With his voice hard he said, “Glad you’re safe Pidge. You had us worried.” With that the temperature in the cockpit plummeted as he brushed past Keith without touching him. The deadly glare he sent Keith’s way was the only indication Lance felt anything._

 

_Keith sagged and sighed, “Are you okay?”_

_Pidge just stared at him._

_“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said any of that. I was really scared when I saw the fighter almost on top of Green. It was so much worse when I realized you were outside. Why did you leave your lion?”_

_“I couldn’t get the remote access to work and I knew how much we needed that information. I was only outside for a dobosh or two. I didn’t think it would be long enough to be a problem.”_

_Keith ran his hands through his hair in frustration, “It wasn’t worth it! NO amount of information is worth that. Even if it means Shiro. We could have lost you! If Lance hadn’t noticed you out there I would have just blasted the fighter! You would have died, and it would have been my fault. I can’t… I can’t lose anyone else,” his voice dropped down to a whisper._

_Pidge realized Keith had yelled at her like that because he was terrified. Pidge took a deep breath, “I realize now it was a dumb risk, but I knew you guys had my back. I did get some information. Matt was on that transport during the last voyage. We can figure out where he went. I wasn’t there long enough to comb through everything but maybe there’s something about Shiro.”_

_Keith looked doubtful, “I don’t know. What you said earlier was right. He would want us to fight. And find your family. I’m just scared of losing anyone else.”_

_“I know you are. We’re all in this together. I’ll keep looking and see what I can find. You also need to talk to Lance. There’s something off with him.”_

_“He’s pissed I yelled at you like that. Especially since I almost blasted you. I’ll try to talk to him later. I want to give him a bit of time to cool off right now. We’d only end up screaming at each other. Are… are we okay?”_

_Pidge looked mildly doubtful but nodded. Keith extended his hand to help her up and she took it. If she leaned on him a little more than necessary because of the residual fear as they exited Green, well it wasn’t that big of deal. At least she thought so, until she noticed Lance had been loitering by the hanger door. She straightened up quickly, but the damage had been done. Lance’s face shut down even more as he spun on his heel and walked out. Keith looked a bit confused as Pidge groaned._

_“Everything okay?”_

_“I have no idea.”_

 

Pidge sighed, “It turned out all the information on that ship was really old. He had been on it then transferred to the one we saw the rebels break him out of. Lance was more distant after that and hasn’t really talked to anyone. Then we found you and things didn’t go back to normal. Now today happened and I wonder if we tried hard enough. He’s been drifting further and further away from all of us. It’s been about 2 weeks now?”

Shiro looked at Keith quizzically and Keith looked embarrassed. Keith cleared his throat a bit, “I never got a chance to talk to Lance. Every time I tried he would ignore me or just shut down. Between that fight, finding you and this fight everything has been nonstop. I’ve tried but he won’t talk.”


	6. Crucify

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance's point of view

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot longer than the others. 
> 
> One note for this chapter, because I'm not sure I made it clear in the previous one, Keith and Pidge knew each other fairly well. 
> 
> I'm going with the idea that the Kerberous crew hung out a lot pre-flight. You don't have people going on that long of a mission and not get to know their families or each other really well.
> 
> I'm also going with the idea that he just didn't recognize her at first. We all know everyone had figured it out (except Lance) before her reveal. 
> 
>  
> 
> If it seems choppy, just keep in mind Lance isn't taking care of himself. He hasn't been sleeping well, eating much and his mind is spiraling. He's in a really terrible place.

Lance wanted to punch himself in the face. What the _hell_ was he doing yelling at Pidge? Why did he have to use _THAT_ line? The look on her face killed him. The fact that he was the one to make her cry, destroyed him. She had been trying to help. What did he do? Throw one of the meanest things someone had ever said to her, back in her face. He knew she would hate him now. It served him right. He knew he had lost that friendship for good. It made his heart squeeze uncomfortably hard at the thought.

He locked his door and flopped onto his bed, arm over his eyes. This was getting out of control. He was supposed to be fading into the background, not drawing attention to himself. They weren’t supposed to worry about him. His stomach rumbled weakly, but he ignored it. How the hell was he supposed to make this right? He knew Hunk, Coran and Pidge had noticed something off, but he was making sure to avoid them as often as possible. They meant well. Hunk and Pidge were doing more together, and although they tried to include him, Lance felt like a third wheel. They got so involved with what they were working on they didn’t always notice when he left. Maybe ruining his friendship with Pidge tonight hadn’t been a bad thing. She and Hunk would be able to do their projects, without worrying about trying to include him now. He could at least hang out with Coran sometimes still. Then again, there was only so much of that he could handle, especially with the thinly veiled concerns that Coran posed.

Maybe if he just stayed here. They didn’t need him. He could just leave the door locked. No, wait, he’d have to find a way to break it, otherwise Pidge and Hunk would just hack the lock. Or Shiro would cut through the door. He could always just leave the Castle. Take a pod and go...somewhere. Maybe Red would finally let go of him and Shiro could pilot one of the lions. Red growled at him across the bond, irritation flaring. Guess not. Now Red was pissed at him, again. That would make any new missions really fun.

Lance sighed and stared at the ceiling. What could the next step be? He was trying so hard to be what Keith and Allura wanted for the team. It never seemed like enough. Keith was always on his case and Allura seemed to agree. How much more training could he do? How much more could he close off? He made himself as quiet and as scarce as possible. They still seemed annoyed by his existence. He felt so hollow.

He took the yelling and the criticism so that Hunk and Pidge wouldn’t have to deal with it. Just like with Iverson. He was so tired of it. The last straw had been Keith yelling at Pidge, then acting like everything was fine. How could Pidge just let that go? Then again, it was up to her how she dealt with Keith. It made him oddly sad that she was so willing to accept that treatment. Even if Keith had let her lean on him, which made sense because they had been friends longer, it didn’t excuse his attitude.

The events of that stupid mission played over in his head. Lance had been terrified when he realized she was OUTSIDE of Green. Seeing the Galra ship ready to fire, Keith powering up to destroy the Galra and the cold realization that **_she wouldn’t survive_ ** , caused him to scream at Keith. They could have lost her. _HE_ could have lost her. Keith hadn’t even noticed her! He was so focused on the Galra, he didn’t see her outside Green. Then Keith had the nerve to berate her like that! It made his blood burn in an icy rage. Seeing her leaning on Keith so much, after everything, had only added to the building fury. In the two weeks since then, he had tried to come to terms with the fact that something had happened with them and she was okay with Keith being an ass to her. It really wasn’t his business or his place. He and Pidge weren’t that close, so he had no right to question her decisions. He tried avoiding her more. When she came up to him so playfully earlier, he snapped. He felt the anger flicker out. What was the point? He was as bad as Keith now, for yelling at her like that. He didn’t mean to hurt her. But did it matter?

Lance felt the tears leak out the corners of his eyes and roll down by his ears, When had he started crying? He rolled onto his side and stared at the wall. He knew trying to fade like this was probably a bad idea. He had a lot of those. Although, it did make him feel a little bit of vindication, that no one actively sought him out. He tried to ignore the flaw in his logic, which was the glaring fact, he was trying to make himself scarce.

He felt bad about distancing himself from Hunk. But Hunk would keep trying to get him to talk to Keith or Allura. Lance already knew how well that would end. Besides, lately, wherever Hunk went Pidge was there. With that bridge burned, it was less of a reason to see Hunk. This made him curl tighter into a ball as silent sobs escaped. He had effectively ruined two friendships. Hunk would side with him, but Lance knew he was wrong. He couldn’t come between Hunk and Pidge. They worked so well together. The stuff they came up with was astonishing. It really was better this way. They would all realize how little they really needed him soon enough. With those dark, but constant thoughts, he drifted off to sleep.

 

He was confused when he was awoken by a sharp rap at his door. He blinked blearily. No one usually bothered him. As he debated getting up or ignoring it, the knock came again. This time, he heard voices arguing. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with people raging at him for yelling at Pidge. He pulled the blanket over his head and pretend to sleep. They could barge in and say whatever they wanted. He didn’t want to deal with it. Another knock set his teeth on edge.

It was made worse by the question that came next, “Lance? Can I come in?” Hunk sounded timid.

Lance struggled with his resolve. He didn’t really want to leave Hunk like that, but he really didn’t want to open up at all. Once he did, who knew what sort of storm it would unleash.

Hunk tried one more time, “Lance, buddy? I know something is wrong. I’ve noticed. We..we all have. Please let me in so we can talk about it.”

Hunk’s hesitation spoke volumes. Lance knew it meant that, as he feared, Hunk, Pidge and Coran had been keeping track of him. But Shiro, Allura and Keith only noticed because he blew up at Pidge. Sending Hunk to gauge the situation made him angry. Couldn’t they just come to him? Why go through Hunk? The more rational side of his brain, reminded him that he really didn’t want to deal with the others right now. This was a good compromise. He decided he didn’t want to deal with anything and continued to pretend to be asleep.

Muffled words were exchanged behind the door. He knew from the pitch, at least one was Pidge, Shiro was also possibly there. Lance continued to feign sleep. He wondered if they were debating on breaking in. From the way the conversation was bouncing around, it seemed like his guess was right. A few more tense moments passed before Hunk spoke up again, “I know you don’t want to see anyone right now. Please, please, come talk to me later? I’m really worried, Lance.”

The sound of feet shuffling away gave him grim satisfaction, but also caused his heart to cry in anguish. He wanted to go after Hunk and fall on his knees to apologize. He wanted to let all of this out. He wanted someone to reassure him that everything was going to be alright. That his suffering had been seen and had meant something. That he was wrong in how he was handling everything, but there was help to put it right.

Then the sound of sniffling made his heart stop. He couldn’t do that to Hunk. The resolve to keep to himself cemented back in place. He would make a small effort to reassure Hunk, but he needed to be better at hiding things. He also needed to see if Pidge would accept an apology. Then he could encourage them to ignore him more.

Some part of his mind kept screaming that he was looking at everything the wrong way. That things weren’t like he thought. Everyone wanted him around. That there was another reason, he was so angry at the idea of Keith being mean to Pidge. He shoved that voice away and tried to relax. He needed to get some sleep. Otherwise, there would be no way, he would be clear enough to deal with this fallout tomorrow. As he drifted off, a few nips from Red let him know exactly what she thought of everything.

 

_Lance was in Red’s cockpit. Lasers were firing everywhere. He swung around and fired off a few shots at the Galra fighters. He saw Blue and Yellow holding their own, so he switched views to where Black was. Black was getting penned in. He flew over, picking off fighters as he swooped closer. He turned again to fly next to Black. They headed over to the transport that Pidge was hacking. As they got closer, a Galra fighter cut Black off. It had its aft facing them, which immediately raised concern. Why would a fighter ignore them? Unless, it hadn’t seen them._

_Lance had a better view and noticed Green drifting close to the transport. He also saw a white and green speck hanging off the hull of the transport. In half a tick he realized in cold horror what was happening, as he saw Black’s laser power up.  H_ _e opened the vid comm and screamed franticly, “STOP! DON’T FIRE!! **Pidge is OUTSIDE Green!** She’s right next to the transport!”_

_Keith swore as he looped Black around so they could draw the fighter away._ _“Quit_ _clowning around like such a kid and focus on the mission, Katie!” Keith snapped into the comm. Lance saw the fury on Keith’s face through the video feed._

_“Dude, lay off! That fighter almost had her. She wasn’t goofing off. She was trying to get back to Green,” Lance’s voice was strained but firm. He was shocked. What the hell was wrong with Keith? He hadn’t heard Keith that angry at anyone but himself. It was a reckless move on her part, but Keith had done worse. It was a terrifying concept that they could have lost Pidge, especially to friendly fire._

_Keith huffed at them as he turned off the vid comm, “Get back to the castle now.”_

_Lance flew in silence and landed without comment. He waited in Green’s hanger, trying to control the dread. He had to make sure Pidge was alright. Green entered the hanger but Pidge didn’t emerge. Fear spiked higher, did they not get her in time?_

_Lance shook his head to clear it. No, he had seen her get into Green. It had been a quick flight back to the Castle. He heard Hunk and Allura trying to get her attention on the comms, but there was only ragged breathing._

_Lance was moving before he realized it. Having dealt with Hunk’s panic attacks before, he knew exactly what one sounded like. He raced up to Green’s mouth and into the cockpit. He knelt directly in front of her, tossing his helmet onto the floor and started calling her name. He saw her focus back on him. As soon as she was aware, she fell onto him sobbing. He could tell she had realized the gravity of what had happened.  Lance held her and tried to calm her down by telling her that she was okay, he wouldn’t let anything happen to her, he had her back. She took off her helmet, eyes still puffy, sniffling a bit and shivering from the fear. His heart broke seeing her so scared._

_“You okay Pidge?” Lance asked gently, holding her tightly._

_She nodded slightly. He could tell she wanted to talk, but she was still too upset. He continued on. “You’re alright. We’ve got you. We wouldn’t let anything happen to you. We need our resident computer genius. I’d probably program everything in gibberish and it would explode,” he smiled softly at her._

_Pidge smiled back, an absolutely delighted expression on her face. He was confused but let it go. She was smiling and alive, that’s all he needed right now. The moment was abruptly shattered by Keith clearing his throat._

_Lance looked at Keith, rage settling in. How dare he berate Pidge like that! What the hell was he doing there? Hadn’t he done enough damage already? Lance knew that Keith had a right to check on Pidge. It worried him, but he was far too angry to be in the same room as Keith right now. He picked up his helmet as he stood. His voice hard he said, “Glad you’re safe Pidge. You had us worried.”  With that the temperature in the cockpit plummeted as he brushed past Keith without touching him. The deadly glare he sent Keith’s way was the only indication of what he really felt._

_Lance lurked by the hanger doors. He wasn’t sure if Pidge would need moral support, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to rage to. He wanted to make sure Keith hadn’t done anything to make matters worse. The sound of voices exiting the Lion had him warily watching. What he saw next stunned him as he felt his stomach drop. Pidge was leaning on Keith’s side, looking much calmer than he expected. There seemed like there was no tension between them and she looked content. He spun on his heel and exited the hanger as fast as he could, ignoring the disappointment that pulsed through him._

 

 

Lance turned over again, trying to escape the dream. It faded, but another one quickly took its place.

 

 

_He was in a darkened hallway of the Castle, running. Something bad was coming and he had to find….. Fear pushed him harder. He careened around a corner and almost crashed into Keith._

_“Where is she? Have you seen her?”_

_Lance blinked in confusion, “What? Who -”_

_“It’ll be your fault if she dies!”_

_Ice raced through his veins. Pidge. Where was Pidge? Keith just angrily shoved him away and ran in the other direction. Lance stumbled a bit, but took off running. The sound of shouting and fighting echoed down the hall._

_He skidded around the open door of Green’s hanger just in time to see Pidge fall in a heap onto the floor. Shouting in fear and anger he, almost blindly, shot the figure leering over her. Falling to his knees, as he tried to keep running, he slid over to her._

_“No no no no. Nonononononono! Pidge!” There was so much blood. How could he stop it? Where was it even coming from? He gathered her up in his arms trying to find a way to staunch it. Suddenly, the others were there. Lance looked up in relief. They could help save her! He was met with angry, disappointed expressions. “This is YOUR fault! How could you do this to her? She TRUSTED you!” the voices seemed to come from all around. He clutched Pidge tighter to himself. He wanted to deny it. He looked over to where he had downed Pidge’s attacker, as a way to prove his innocence. Everything faded when he saw his own body laying there, a evil smile on his face._

 

Screams woke him up. He sat bolt upright, tensed, ready to strike. It took a moment for him to realize that it was him. His heart was hammering so hard he didn’t hear the knocking on his door. The next thing he knew Pidge and Hunk were looking into his eyes. He blinked rapidly to clear his vision. Hunk was crouched down next to the bed, right at eye level. Pidge was standing right next to Hunk. He gaped at her, “You’re alive?”

Pidge raised an eyebrow at him, “Last time I checked.”

Lance lunged and wrapped her into a tight hug. She was here. She was real. She was ALIVE. It wasn’t his fault. It was just a dream. Just a dream.

Hunk’s smile was concerned, “You okay there buddy?”

Lance froze, realizing he had said that outloud. He cleared his throat as he let Pidge go and sat back. “Yeah. No, I’m great. Just a really vivid dream. I didn’t mean to wake you guys up.”  He shot them a strained smile.

Pidge and Hunk looked skeptical. “That must have been some dream, if it rattled you that badly and made you to react like that,” Pidge pointed out.

“Yeah well, no one likes dreaming about someone dying,” Lance unintentionally snapped. Pidge flinched at that.

Hunk quickly jumped in, “We were just worried. You’ve been a bit...distant lately.  We know something is wrong. Please let us help. You know we’re here for you right?”

Lance looked at Hunk’s pleading face, the unshed tears making his eyes shine. He glanced at Pidge out of the corner of his eye. She had an identical expression on her face. It jolted him, enough to remember his plan of keeping everything to himself. He smoothed his face into an easy smile.

“I’m okay. That dream just really got to me. Besides, you guys have been working on so much stuff, I didn’t want to distract you. I didn’t think we had lost track of each other that badly.” He forced a large yawn, “Well, I need to get back to sleep. Now that all the adrenalin has worn off, I’m beat.” He laid down, rolled onto his side so that his back was facing them and pulled the covers up to his chin.

Pidge and Hunk hesitated and exchanged a knowing look. They knew he was lying. Pidge had felt how thin he really gotten. Hunk had seen how exhausted and unhealthy he was. “Wait, Lance. We don’t like seeing you this way. I know you’re not eating and you’re training too much. It’s no healthy. You’re not yourself. You’re not around anymore. It’s like you’re trying to avoid us. Please let us help.” Hunk tried one last time.

Lance sighed slowly. He kept his back to them, to keep them from seeing him cry. He made sure to keep his breathing slow and calm. He tried to make his voice sound sleepy as he mumbled, “Hey Pidge? I’m sorry about earlier. I was really out of line. We’ll talk soon guys. I’m just really exhausted.”

They wanted to say something else, but it was painfully obvious he was ignoring them. They mumbled their goodbyes as they left. Once the door slid shut, Lance curled tighter into a ball. He cuddled his pillow closer, the corner next to his mouth, to help muffle his already quite sobs. He wasn’t sure how long he cried, but the exhaustion he had pretended to have earlier, crashed into him full force a little while later. He finally drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why yes, that is a song title for the chapter. I felt like that song was accurate for this chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> Comments, constructive criticism, kudos are all welcome. 
> 
>  
> 
> (I also have a Spotify playlist for this fic. I'll probably go back through and re-title the first two chapters.)


End file.
